I have danced a lot lately. With you all, with others and new and old teachers. In October I danced intensively, big workshops where layer upon layer is peeled off. It is freeing, but it hurts too. As I become more and more attuned with what is true for me, moment to moment and in the bigger pictures too, there is a part of me that is terrified. So, scared to really open up to me, and my wants and needs.
During a workshop called God, Sex & the Body with Alex Mackay (totally recommend this) workshop boredom really came up for me. This is something that I have carried with me for so much of my life and it is so debilitating. It is a like a wet blanket that comes over me heavy and deadening, because that’s the thing, it kills everything. I can’t really explain the desperation of standing in a raw, kick-ass venue, with dancing people, awesome music and an incredible insightful teacher, and then being bored. I mean really….? What’s the bloody point of it all?
As I reflect on this, I know so very clearly that this is not a new experience for me. Bored has been a story I have been caught up in for years, for decades. It is protection against shame and not being enough, not feeling worthwhile. So, I get bored, I disappear from life, from connection, from love, from play, just a little, just enough to be safe. Boredom and restlessness, my protector, it has been there as long as I can remember sort of like osmosis. There and everywhere.
I have discovered how to dance it, to move it, to meet it, to play with it. AH! What a gift. Life starts to taste yummy, my life force comes through, WILDNESS, playfulness and zest for life, but my story of boredom is a good friend, it has been a companion for me, so it easily comes back to join me. I started to explore boredom in the dance, in my life, and I can see an opening into me under layers and decades of protection. The things that start to happen when I meet myself. Well that is scrumptious.
So, I keep dancing, I keep meeting myself again and again.