Not too long ago, a few weeks really, I gripped a chair very tightly and wanted to hurl it across the room. Of course, I have a fairly well-developed stress regulation system and ended up just dropping it in place and loudly banging a cup onto a table. It was loud enough to catch the attention of a colleague and I felt shame and at the same time unable to ignore my emotions, my truth and what had been poking at me for a long time.
This is not where I belong, this is not where I want to invest my life energy, my precious time. I became aware of the great cost of not paying attention and honoring my body and soul. You see, it has taken me some time, because it is a perfectly fine place for me to work. There are such good people here, we do such good work and we, really, do serve. I kept telling myself that if I was going to work somewhere, this is the place.
But my shape, soul shape, if you will, does not fit into this system, this big organisation, I can’t but into its workings and I have pretended for a while that I can. The cost is to great.
Signs for me started with little irritations, disappointments, feeling empty after a day’s work, then feeling so exhausted that it took me days to recover. No creativity, play or connection. Just tired. I kept coming back to that this is a good place to work, really, it is. There must be something wrong with me. So, I kept pretending that this is ok for me.
Then one day a colleague says something that tips me over, I’m furious and I realize it is totally out of proportion to what she said. I was shaking, wanted to cry and shout, and I realized. I am done.
It is not that I have been hard done by or that there is something wrong with this place of work. It is that I have a different purpose, I have a different mission. I have never fitted into a system. I am no easily shaped. I dance to allow for my shape, to discover me, to fall in love with me and to house what is happening for me. It is my life wire.
My life is so short, it is so fragile and it is so unexpected. I am utterly and totally committed to living MY life, not a life someone else things I should have or what society thinks I should have. MY life.
One thing that I am utterly and totally committed to is DANCE and movement. So, we keep dancing and moving to discover layer upon layer, to become really good listeners that can unashamedly hear, honor, express that which is true for us. Allowing us the FREEDOM to fall into our own lives, creating where we need to, just flowing where we need to.