As I sit down to write this, a group of women sit next to me. They are generations of women, sitting talking, connecting, sharing and supporting each other. They meet, often I think, it sounds like it. I suddenly feel some sadness. I can feel a twitch in the right bottom of my stomach, I get a sense of discomfort, just a slight feeling of being undesirable, unwanted, shame, non-belonging. It is a longing for belonging.
It is a longing for a group, a flock, where I am totally accepted for who I am and where I can accept people for who they are and where they are. Where there is no need to for change, but where change is possible when it is time for that.
That doesn’t mean I am some sort of angelic human that have no judgement, because I judge, I try to make sense of my world just like everyone else, that is what my brain is for, but I know now that my judgements are stories, they are not real. They are projections. Though, don’t confuse this with some sense of “everything goes” attitude, no, I am clearer now than ever of what works for me and what does not, and when I’m unclear, well, then I’m, unclear.
What I find amazing is that I am very happily sitting in a coffee shop, by my own choosing, actually loving it, then “boom” something on the outside (group of women) triggers a bodily sensation that my beautiful brain starts interpreting, constantly working, analysing, keeping me safe by making sense of what is happening around me. The brain bases its work on past experiences, it is what it has to go on. The brain is actually constantly predicting. That is how emotions are made.
The thing is, that as long as we believe these stories, like mine of non-belonging, we cannot see reality of freedom, connection and joy, nor can we take the actions we need to create what it is we need. For the longest time I couldn’t see that just by showing up, I was good enough, I believed that I had to be something more than what I was, it was exhausting and alienating. I can now see that I do BELONG.
Shit, this is some serious stuff. This is how we go about our every day. Imagine how many untrue stories that go though our minds in a day, now wait, an hour, every 5 minutes. Our nervous system constantly activated by “fake” stories, that are, of course, very real for us. Also, this is where LIBERATION lies. Every time we notice that we are caught in a story we have a choice, we have a choice to put trust into these stories that have been given to us, that we maintain, or we can take its power, we can lean into it, we can thank the story for trying to keep us safe and get oh so in touch with that body sensation, move with it, sink into it and return to reality, to here and now. And you know, sometimes we can’t.
This is why I dance 5Rhythms as often as I can, it gives me the space to see when I am in a story, because the stories will keep coming, but like masterful warriors we can become skilled at noticing, bringing our full attention to our body, then we will now what we need to do…or not.